Dog Food is Delicious

Today I woke up and my mom forgot to immediately stuff my face full of Cheerios, so I decided to lay down on the floor and scream next to her feet while she dressed my brother.

From my vantage-point on the floor, I could see straight across into the living room where the dog - my number one frenemy - sat eating her kibble. I could tell that the dog was laughing at me, mocking me even, as I lay on the floor desperately dying of 12-hour starvation.

It was then that I plotted to steal the dog's food. I didn't want to eat it - I just wanted to make someone else as miserable as I was, and I couldn't reach the table to steal my daddy's coffee.

As my mother struggled to button my older brother into a shirt that for some reason seemed to have a million tiny buttons on it, I casually made my way over to the dog's dish. (I'm soooo good at sneaking around the house because I know how to make myself ultra-silent.) I was like a freaking ninja. Mom never looked up.

When I finally got next to the dog, I stood up and tugged her on the ears to assert my dominance. The pup quickly ran away with a yelp, and I put on my most-innocent face as my mother glanced over. I thought my plans were foiled, but I quickly exchanged a glance with my brother to enlist his help.

Lightning-fast, he knocked a cup of water onto the floor to steal away our mother's attention. I can always count on my brother when it comes to the dirty-work.

With limited time available to me, I grabbed as much dog-food as my chubby little fists would allow. I raised my hands to my face in a gesture of victory, ready to splatter the kibble all around the room - and then... the smell hit me.

Oh delicious, meaty, chicken-y scent... how could I resist you? I started shoveling the tiny pieces into my mouth, floating on clouds of tasty, heavenly flavor as I vaguely began to hear shouts from somewhere in the background.

Suddenly, I really was floating. My mother was practically tossing me into the air, insanely snatching me up before spraying me right in the face with that evil mechanism she calls a " Faw-Set ". I nearly choked on her fingers while she yanked those yummy morsels right out of my mouth and I screamed to let her know that she was ruining my good time.

I didn't even get to swallow.

Mourning the loss of my snack, my only consolation was seeing the dog taken away and placed back into the Lawn-Tree Room holding cell. I was plopped down in front of a bowl of bland, tasteless Circle-O's. That's right. My mother doesn't even buy name-brand.

Someday, I'm going to get out of this place. When that happens, I'm going to eat all the dog food I want, and no one will be able to stop me.

Not even my mother.